i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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