I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
