Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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