I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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