Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
