i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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