Pappa wants mamma naked
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
