I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
