So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why do cheetos always look like penises
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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