We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
