hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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