hell yes lets make some ravioli
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
