dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
