that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
