I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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