found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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