I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
