Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can Purell be used as lube?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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