I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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