Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have tasted many bathrooms
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
