Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
