sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
