He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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