My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
