Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
