Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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