hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
