you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
