took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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