well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
