One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
