Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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