I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
