At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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