I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
