He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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