return my video game
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
