And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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