after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
