the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
