I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
