Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
