ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
