her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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