Cold hands, warm shart.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize