my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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