God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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