Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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