my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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