his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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