If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
