There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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