just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize