That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
