he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
