I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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