Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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