i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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