he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's blow job season.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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